My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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