dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
