I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
