Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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