All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Randomize
