nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
