You're so nebulous sometimes
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
