life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
of course. lets lasso hookers.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
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