This is not my ceiling
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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