OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
