She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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