Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
