How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
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