wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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