I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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