I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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