I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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