I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
