my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
