My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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