Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
