between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
