There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
