Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
there was a trapeze. enough said
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
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My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
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omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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