I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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