I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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