I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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