I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
