Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
My ATM looks so different sober.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Randomize
