I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Randomize
