My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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