got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
it was like having sex with a tree stump
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
