maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
