Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
