i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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