dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
