I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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