My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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