I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
