Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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