now i know why i became what i already was.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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