I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
