i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
