That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
