Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
