someone owes me an orgasm
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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