don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
