you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
