I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
