Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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