Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
