Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
