Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
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I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
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I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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