Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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