just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
