Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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