proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
