My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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